Is your untrainable human trying your patience?
Do you need to unleash your inner wolf?
Are you in need of canine rights advice?
Or do the demands of the modern world make you chew your paws in despair?
Our three new canine advice gurus will retrieve life lessons for you and point you in the right direction!
SEND A PICTURE AND YOUR QUESTION TO: firstname.lastname@example.org
Luka From Northampstonshire Asks:
Dear Welfare Wooficer,
I am writing to you deeply concerned for my canine constitution. My human, while generally kind and amenable, insists in preventing me from drinking from the toilet. I fear the lack of faecal infused water will soon cause me permanent damage. What can I do to educate my human?
English Setter from Northamptonshire
I do hope this finds you still in good health. Please, whatever you do, whenever out and about, grab the chance to take a few slurps from muddy puddles, this will ensure that you don’t fade away.
You see, educating humans in toilet etiquette can take a long time.
It is of cause of no real consequence to us that they generally insist on defecating in the toilet, when there are so many preferable outdoor opportunities. However you may as well continue, as I am sure you do, to show them better spots for their business.
However, what you do need to get over to them, is that the toilet is the only source of fresh, cold water in the house. This is best done by treating their feeble attempts at providing water bowls with the contempt they deserve. Stand in those plastic or metal abominations, pee in them or turn them over, causing huge puddles on the floor. Chew them even, if that’s your thing. Just make it quite clear that stale water, tainted by the taste of a bowl, isn’t acceptable.
Please also be aware that some of the sneakier humans resort to using chemicals in the toilet, which are definitely not good for you. Whenever you see a plastic bottle around, grab it and burry it in the garden, where they can’t find it. While you’re at it, you might also enjoy grabbing a toilet brush or two and running around the house with it. It lightens the atmosphere and turns the whole issue into a game.
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Good luck with your human training, do let me know how you progress.
Hattie, Springer Spaniel, from Surrey asks
I'm getting older and my joints are aching. What products would you recommend I tell my human to give me?
And should I go swimming maybe, or would a water treadmill be better?
From your picture I gather you’re a Spaniel. So whatever they sprinkle on your wet food, stir into your kibble or hide in your treats, it won’t touch the sides anyway.
Neither will it make any difference whatsoever to your aching joints, although a good stretch and a nice snooze by the fire will....
Having said that, you mustn’t deny your humans their basic right to spending their hard earned money on you. Neither must you encourage any attempts of treating you like a dog.
Thus I suggest you pick the most expensive and hardest to come by lotions, potions and elixirs available. Sourcing the stuff will keep the humans out of your fur while you go and have that snooze.
As regards your question about swimming versus water treadmills, are you a Springer Spaniel or a Ker-A-Ter?
There are fabulous canine hydrotherapy pools all over the country. Get your humans to book you in right now. And don’t forget to shake all over them, when you’ve had your swim. Everyone loves a sharer...
With the best wishes for your continued canine well being,