Ask The Pack

By Martina Hamburger



Is your untrainable human trying your patience?
Do you need to unleash your inner wolf?
Are you in need of canine rights advice?
Or do the demands of the modern world make you chew your paws in despair?
Our three new canine advice gurus will retrieve life lessons for you and point you in the right direction!

Luka From Northampstonshire Asks:

Dear Welfare Wooficer,

I am writing to you deeply concerned for my canine constitution. My human, while generally kind and amenable, insists in preventing me from drinking from the toilet. I fear the lack of faecal infused water will soon cause me permanent damage. What can I do to educate my human?

English Setter from Northamptonshire

Dear Luka,

I do hope this finds you still in good health. Please, whatever you do, whenever out and about, grab the chance to take a few slurps from muddy puddles, this will ensure that you don’t fade away.

You see, educating humans in toilet etiquette can take a long time.

It is of cause of no real consequence to us that they generally insist on defecating in the toilet, when there are so many preferable outdoor opportunities. However you may as well continue, as I am sure you do, to show them better spots for their business.

However, what you do need to get over to them, is that the toilet is the only source of fresh, cold water in the house. This is best done by treating their feeble attempts at providing water bowls with the contempt they deserve. Stand in those plastic or metal abominations, pee in them or turn them over, causing huge puddles on the floor. Chew them even, if that’s your thing. Just make it quite clear that stale water, tainted by the taste of a bowl, isn’t acceptable.

Please also be aware that some of the sneakier humans resort to using chemicals in the toilet, which are definitely not good for you. Whenever you see a plastic bottle around, grab it and burry it in the garden, where they can’t find it. While you’re at it, you might also enjoy grabbing a toilet brush or two and running around the house with it. It lightens the atmosphere and turns the whole issue into a game.

This article continues after the following advert:

Good luck with your human training, do let me know how you progress.

Welfare Wooficer

Hattie, Springer Spaniel, from Surrey asks

Dear James,

I'm getting older and my joints are aching. What products would you recommend I tell my human to give me?
And should I go swimming maybe, or would a water treadmill be better?

James replies:

Dear Hattie,

From your picture I gather you’re a Spaniel. So whatever they sprinkle on your wet food, stir into your kibble or hide in your treats, it won’t touch the sides anyway.

Neither will it make any difference whatsoever to your aching joints, although a good stretch and a nice snooze by the fire will....

Having said that, you mustn’t deny your humans their basic right to spending their hard earned money on you. Neither must you encourage any attempts of treating you like a dog.

Thus I suggest you pick the most expensive and hardest to come by lotions, potions and elixirs available. Sourcing the stuff will keep the humans out of your fur while you go and have that snooze.

As regards your question about swimming versus water treadmills, are you a Springer Spaniel or a Ker-A-Ter?

There are fabulous canine hydrotherapy pools all over the country. Get your humans to book you in right now. And don’t forget to shake all over them, when you’ve had your swim. Everyone loves a sharer...

With the best wishes for your continued canine well being,



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Martina Hamburger
Quirky information, opinions, tales and advice from the perspective of a pack of clever dogs.

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  1. Shirl

    Hi, I'm Foggy a big mastin. I've got a really sore hip, my human gives me 5 drops of cannabis oil twice a day. It really has helped me!

  2. Geraldine Cove-Print
    Geraldine Cove-Print24th August, 2017 at 11:59

    Hi Shirl,T hank you for your comment . Just to bring others up to date on the use of CBD In the UK, it is still illegal to possess, supply or use cannabis oil for any purpose. However, the law has recently changed to recognise CBD, one of the components of cannabis, as a medicine. Its new classification has been based on scientific studies which have been carried out into the efficacy of CBD, and standards have been established regarding quality and safety to protect patients’ health and well-being. All products which contain CBD extract are now legally considered to be medicines by the MHRA instead of cosmetics or nutritional supplements which had previously been the case. This means that CBD oil is now a legal medicine in the UK, but the use of cannabis oil is still outlawed. The law has now been changed in the UK because CBD has been demonstrated in a number of studies and tests to have proven medical value in the relief and treatment of many conditions. In both the UK and the United States, CBD has been proven to effectively treat pain, anxiety, inflammation and epilepsy among other complaints, whether taken in the form of an oil, an extract or a tincture. One of the reasons behind the change in the law appears to be that people in the UK have long been illegally purchasing CBD products in an attempt to treat their conditions but these products came from unregulated sources which may be unhealthy, containing additives or potentially dangerous ingredients. With the new recognition of CBD oil as a medicine, there can now be greater regulation to determine the safety of the products and to ensure quality and efficacy. Manufacturers of CBD now need to prove that their products meet the newly determined standards in order to be legally available in the UK. At the present time, although CBD has been recognised as a legal medicinal product, the use of cannabis itself is still illegal since it is not believed to have any therapeutic value. Despite a number of petitions and protests over the last few years, the Home Office still have no plans to make the use of the drug legal due to their statement that scientific evidence seems to show that cannabis can be harmful to the health. This is due to the THC component contained in marijuana which can cause anxiety, psychosis and, of course, a high. Cannabis is considered to be a Class B controlled drug in the UK, and as such, its use can result in a criminal record, a fine, or even imprisonment. It is not considered to be an acceptable defence to cite medicinal use as the reason for possession. Although the use of cannabis is not yet legal in the UK, it has been legalised for medicinal use in certain forms in a number of countries around the world including Macedonia, Croatia, Canada, the Czech Republic, Poland, Puerto Rico and Australia.

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